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Mar. 15th, 2017

Back.

I just read the post below me and I'm kinda shocked at how much has changed. I need to copy and paste some bits...

"Women. I genuinely am lonely now. I hate to admit it, but it's true. I hate it. I'm living a slob life because I haven't got any reason to impress anyone.. (my room) It's a tip and I don't care. Because no matter how hard I try? And that's the issue. I'm trying but I'm not trying."

"I feel like a good person. I feel like I have alot going for me. I've got opportunities, I'm happy... yet I feel like captain ugly. I can't complain about this to anyone anywhere since I'd just get laughed at."

"It's just tiring to be rejected though. Girls are horrid. Flirting with a nice enough lady, all going well, but nah. Doesn't wanna know. I don't think it's something I do because we talk so much and she's the one who instigates it! Hell if I don't reply she'll double text!...She calls me lovely names, we have a laugh, I make her laugh, we meet up and it's nice but she doesn't wanna know in that way and for no reason. Not directly asked her but we had a conversation about sex (yeah.... most I've gotten in a long time) which revealed her booty-calls, the guy/s she really likes atm, how she likes her ex and doesn't find me attractive in the least. Great."


I mean bloody nora. I need to dissect this first and correct past me.

Firstly yes, I was very lonely. Desperation was my cologne of choice and I wasn't in any position to figure out that that wasn't the best way to be single. I did enjoy my own company: I had it in abundance and not enough other factors in my life to cling to. Which is ironic because what I wouldn't give to be a student again and take all the fantastic opportunities that were available! But c'est la vie. My room isn't much tidier now anyway! That's a lie, it is a fair amount tidier compared to then. But I sounded so narcissistic! Me me me me me... I mean this is my blog but it's so "Woe is me, aren't girls mean for not knowing how incredible I am?" Sweet Jesus.

I would love to say I dug deep and found the current peace from internal factors but I'd be lying. In fact I was writing this at the beginning of my second year at university. What is surprising is that I actually met my ex at the point of writing this! If I hadn't then I would have very shortly afterwards. Retrospectively she wasn't in the best place either: her bf cheated on her with her sister, it was a whole palava and I worked my way out of the friendzone into a very happy two and a half year long relationship. It wasn't perfect: I discovered alot about myself and she definitely set a very high benchmark for any girl since to reach. The relationship was falling apart at the end and it was mostly my fault. I was getting complacant because I didn't care for her as much anymore. Equally the pain of being lonely (as detailed above) was still very real in my mind so we kept on flogging a dead horse until the rock met the immovable object. That object was us calling the NSPCC for anonymous advice regarding her sister throwing toasters at her children and asking what should we do. The family (including the grandma) sent me death threats and told her to end it. After a few months and an argument where, like a coward, I told her it was over without dumping her making her dump me the next day, it was finally over. So I wasn't as much of a "good person" as I gave myself credit for either.

And very clearly I struggled with what you feel towards friends and relationships. I did use to struggle with identifying relationships. Mostly because I was so desperate for a connection with romantic meaning.

After my ex though I spent a week like Bridget Jones. I ran back home. I allowed myself to be babied and mollycoddled. My parents didn't tell me there were other fish in the sea, that she wasn't worth it because they knew that that wasn't what I needed to hear. They just supported me. Afterwards I went back to work.

So here's where things get juicy. See something had happened over those two and a half years. Something 2013 me could never have anticipated. I developed. I changed. I didn't realise it until 6/8 months after being single. I didn't have to hunt or search or find meaning in friendships that wasn't there because I had a romantic partner. With that peace of mind, with the love and support of my ex I finally stopped trying to impress and just started being myself. I became confident but I had no awareness of that change. I was just happy being supported, caring for someone intimately and having that care returned.

My first day back at my job. We have a communal kitchen that non-staff members can use. A girl comes in looking completely lost. Now I've got my face on the floor: I've not dressed well but I'm clean as long as you disregard stubble. I do with that girl what I'd have done for anybody: I answered her query, I offered to make her a cup of tea, I listened to her and tried to help whilst cracking a few jokes. Then something happened that had never happened before.

She gave me her number.

I hope this doesn't sound sexist but that doesn't happen to men often. Or perhaps I should correct that to just say that had NEVER happened to me before. Gender profiling tells me that MEN give numbers to WOMEN and are aggressively doing so to maximise the ratio. I seem to recall one fuckboy telling me that he aimed to give his number to 100 women per night out: if even 5 replied to him then he was doing well. Obviously all of the above is bullcrap other than the fact that in that instance (and in no instance before or since other than through Tinder) a girl gave me her number.

Nothing happened with her, she was looking for something serious and I wasn't able to provide that, but I felt confused. I felt like I'd cheated on my ex and what the relationship stood for by having whatever that was happen so soon. It wasn't long afterwards that I got on Tinder.

Again, remember I was still in past me mode but questioning some of my basic assumptions. I put a joking political statement about how the world is going to end, said I like puns, the ukulele/guitar and some other nonsense alongside a careful balance of group pics and solo pics. For me at that point getting any swipes was a huge deal. I determined it as such: even a single reply to a swipe meant that someone had looked at a photograph of me and determined that I was attractive and provisionally interesting enough to talk to. What else could you gleam from a brief Tinder bio and 6 photos anyway?

More shit that I would have never expected happened. I really don't want this to sound like the tales of a fuckboy: that was never my intention. I went on dates though. I had been single for years before my ex: I think I had one date in two years. I'd had two sexual encounters: one with a girl I'd had a brief stint with before and another was a drunk one night stand and that summed up my sexual history for years. And now here was me: talking to girls, meeting girls and even in some instances turning down girls! Learning the lessons most people had learnt years ago about how you make connections, discovering the traits and values you like in other people and when a situation just cannot bloom into anything special.

I don't want to recount every date. I could because they all meant something. The BORING Canadian (I mean HOW does a person go traveling around Europe for a year and a half and see NOTHING?!", the Nymphomaniac (who was the first person I turned down for trying to stir up trouble), the girl who brought out the worst in me (who taught me that I cannot have a relationship with someone else just to make them feel better), the good and the bad. I do want to recount what my friend aptle titled "The Grinding Queen".

It was three months after being single and a friend of a friends birthday. I agreed to come out for a little bit so lo and behold, there I am in a pub filled with cheery strangers. I don't do well in group situations: if I can isolate a person or two and an interesting conversation flows? That's my cuppa tea right there. In groups there are just too many people for me to be able to manage and give everyone equal attention, it's very taxing. But there's a girl sitting opposite me. Looking at me. "I must be imagining that" I think to myself but blow me sideways I keep noticing her glances. Sometimes she looks away but sometimes she carrys on staring. Not through me, at me as if there's an undiscovered continent on my nose.

I smile. She smiles and looks away. But sure enough she looks at me again and I catch it. I wave. She waves back. I don't understand what any of this means but I get up and slide next to her. Hi, I'm me, who are you?

She lets on relatively quickly that she has a boyfriend. I don't care: she has an interesting job, she's been traveling and the conversation was fantastic. Don't get me wrong: those stolen glances were excited but HERE is how 2013 me and 2016 me differ:

"I feel like I'm a good person... Girls are horrid...Flirting with a nice girl, all is going well, nah she doesn't wanna know... I'm tired of being third rate. I need some affirmation. I'd love someone to love"

The pity party was over. When talking to women I'm no longer weighing up the potential of getting in their pants. Talking to a girl doesn't mean they owe me jack shit - it means we're having a conversation. I'm not third rate, I don't need affirmation, I don't need someone to love because I have me. And I know when I meet someone I'm compatible with and I'm getting better at knowing when that feeling is mutual. It's scary and exciting and thrilling and confusing and wonderful and that's romance. And if it's a no? That's cool, I'll carry on a conversation if they're interesting and if they're not then the no should have come from me.

We carry on talking and she gets me a Disaronno (that was the first time that night that I'd ever had it - another way my life has changed for the better) after the following question:

"Why are you still talking to me?" says The Grinding Queen.

"What?"

"Well I said I had a BF to X (who is a fucking tool) and we talked for 30 seconds more before he moved on."

"Well we're just talking. That means we're having a nice conversation. That doesn't mean anything will or even should happen, it just means I'm getting to know you. That's okay right?"

Her face lit up. She'd had so many people give up the ghost the moment they had found out she was single - as if that identified her as an unavailable target and swiftly fucked off. Now I feel like if anyone is reading this they must be thinking how did she get the nickname The Grinding Queen unless this guy is a grade A asshole? That's what I'd be thinking and I'll let you decide if I was an arse or not.

We had more drinks. We went to a club. We were a medium sized group that could have fitted around a single table at said club but The Grinding Queen loudly declared that the table was too small. She grabbed my hand and led me to a booth where two other people joined in. She shows me photos of India, which was her most recent holiday, and tells me in detail about the food and the people, the heat and the wildlife. She touched my leg at times. Sometimes I got comfy in the chair and moved her hand off in the process, sometimes I ignored it. She decides she wants to dance and, again, takes my hand onto the dancefloor.

I've never been that guy.

We were awkwardly dancing at an arms distance from each other. Some guys tried to dance with her and she buffed them away.

I took her hand and spun her into me.

She grinded.

At first it wasn't much. Then it was more and more and more. Eyes were staring as it gets more and more like  Jessica in "Rick and Morty" after having been influenced by the love potion.

At this point I do want to say that I'm a lightweight. I'm biologically so, not having a large intestine and all, and this girl could drink some of my friends under the table. If I was sober so was she so this isn't me taking advantage of a poor drunk girl. In fact that would have been the other way around.

I'm excited, I won't lie. I join in. It's thrilling but it is only dancing. We go back to the booth, talk some more, get another drink, dance some more. The dancing gets more and more intense and heated, we're both trying to tempt each other until shes tries to kiss me. TRIES! This is where if you're gunna think me an arsehole you might be right. Any muppet with experience would know that that was the only logical route that such intimate dancing would lead to would be that. I don't know why but I thought that her relationship would be sacred and that this was just a very intimate dance but just a dance.

She leans forwards and her lips are on mine. I don't reciprocate, my first instinct is to pull back.

She blinks twice and leans back, twists her body and puts her hand on her head.

"I shouldn't have done that".

I reassure her. I tell her it's fine: that we've both had a few drinks. I say let's ignore it and we can either dance or go to the booth. She asks to dance. It's not long before she's grinding again, and not too long after that she tries kissing me again. I tell her I won't. She makes it her mission to kiss me.

She failed. I talk to her and ask her straight if she likes her boyfriend, whether there's any flaws with the relationship. She says no, she says that he's perfect and wonderful. I say that there isn't a god damn way she'll convince me to do anything with her that night. In hindsight I can now say that she was scared of committing to her BF: they are very happily together but she was on the cusp of either ending it and going wild or being in a very long term, stable relationship. She has since taken the plunge and is very happy (and committed may I add).

She must have tried twenty times to try and kiss me. I'll admit, there were some points where I teased her when she tried by keeping a breaths distance between our lips. But I say no.

At this point the night is getting late. The club is thinning out, it's closing in half an hour so needed to think about a taxi. I say this to the group of friends and The Grinding Queen exclaims that she only lived round the corner. "We could share a cab: it'll be cheaper." she chimes quite happily. It wasn't long before she suggests she could go back to mine to "watch a movie". Ppbtsh, now I may have been foolish enough not to figure out erotic dancing + drink = kissing but I knew erotic dancing + "movie" = sex. I say no but we do share a cab.

In the cab we're talking and for a laugh I ask her what we would have watched if we went to mine. She locks her eyes at mine, grabs my crotch and says "we wouldn't have been in your room long enough to choose."

Tried to kiss me. I put my hand in front of her mouth.

Now she went into her house, the cabby waited for her to get in her front door before walking away. I say to the bloke "would you mind if I yell for a few minutes please?" which he smiles and nods.

OH MY FUCKING GOD!

I SPENT ALL NIGHT DANCING WITH A VERY BEAUTIFUL, CHARMING, SMART GIRL AND HELD TRUE TO MY MORALS!

Yes I maybe shouldn't have done as much as I did but I was a silly muppet but to this day I'm glad I did because I went home knowing a few things:

1. I will always do what is right. Sex will never be more important than me than my moral compass,

2. I'm capable of saying no.

3. My assumptions about myself are faulty.

"I'm tired of being third rate... I feel like a bad, ugly, sad person..."

Never again. I looked at myself in the mirror that day, the day after and the day after that and cried.

I looked at the me who had an aesthetic rebound after breaking up with my ex. I looked at the me who wore clothes I feel comfortable in, that makes me feel smart and good. I looked at the me who didn't try to be anything other than me and knew that, in my soul, that I'm not a "good but quirky third-rate guy". I looked at the me who wasn't sad or bad.

I looked good.

For the first time ever, ever in my life I smiled when I saw me. And I cried and cried. I cried because I was good. I am good. I was scared and conscious enough to never let this confidence go to my head and become some elitist, head-stuck-up-my-arse pig. I liked the peron who stared back at me in the mirror, inside and out. I liked my smile. I never realised that but I think I have a nice smile. My eyes have these wrinkles that I like when I smile. I liked the person I was and for the very first time I liked the me looking back at me.

I've been staring at the mirror ever since then and I still smile. I celebrated the anniversary of my year being single with food and drink with a very good friend followed by recording me playing the guitar for the first ever time. I'm not on any dating app at the moment because I don't have the time with my Japanese and new found attempt at fitness. I don't need it: I know when I'm ready to look that, in time, the right person will come and I'm happy as Larry waiting.

Oh 2013 me. Women never could have liked you. You were to busy forcing yourself on them. You were too busy blaming them for not seeing how much of a "nice guy" you were, which only made you more depressed that you couldn't figure out just what was wrong in your formula. You just needed to grow up: to stop (to quote "The 40 Year Old Virgin") putting the pussy on a pedastal and just treat them like humans. So sad that I had to learn that lesson at 24 and not 16.

So. If life is good why did I just spend an hour and 20 minutes blogging? I thought I was gunna complain about having sore legs from this whole 'exercising' thing I'm trying to do. I'm quite grateful that I did this instead. I set the record straight.

Apr. 6th, 2013

Thoughts.

Firstly, I hate this essay I'm supposed to be writing.

Secondly, I was bitching with my flatmate about our non-existent flatmate. This is lovely that no-one I directly know reads this, because I can just vent it out. I've more than likely talked about it before, but here it is again. Friend, best friend, first one I fessed up about my illness to. She got herself a fella, and has become completely absorbed by him. It would be great, cept he's... what you could call an arse. He's not exactly fond of us, and she can't stand to be without him for even a second, so we don't see her. She came here today for about 10 minutes to grab more things to move around his without even saying hello.

But I can't be bothered with her. It's sad, but that's what distance does. I refuse to stay on really good terms with someone who can't be bothered to put in an iota of energy for me. She helped me out of hospital sure but I hadn't seen her for a good fornight before that and a good fortnight since, nor hear from nor anything. From what we were like to this, and the root cause being that she's moved on with her life? It's annoying. But again, this isn't supposed to be the rant.

The rant is is that I just don't think I get people. Social interactions and all that.

My flatmate thinks I'm odd for how hot/cold I can be. And it's true, if people annoy me I simply put them in the "cold" list and yes I get upset by it but that's it. I can't be bothered to waste my time with people. But it seems everyone else does, people seem much more forgiving and tolerant when people cross what is the line for me. Don't get me wrong, I forgive, I tolerate, but people seem to tolerate so much more than I could possible conceive doing. Why? If someone is annoying you it shouldn't matter who, what the past is, it really doesn't matter an iota. They are that person, they make that choice, you can judge them on that choice no? People make mistakes sure and that's where forgiveness comes in, but on the whole it should be more clear-cut than what it is.

You know, I had alot more going on in my head, but now that I'm here I can't think of it. I know what's caused it.

Women. I genuinely am lonely now. I hate to admit it, but it's true. I hate it. I'm living a slob life because I haven't got any reason to impress anyone, my room is only me and my other flatmate who comes in to play xbox. That's it. It's a tip and I don't care. Because no matter how hard I try? And that's the issue. I'm trying but I'm not trying.

Relationships don't come to people who force them. I act as myself, I don't do anything I wouldn't. I'm a nice guy aren't I? My jokes don't agree with everyone, I know that: god I know that. But those who do get them I hang around with. But to the left and right there are people flirting with people, having sex with people, rejecting people, getting into relationships with people... It's denting my self-esteem a bit.

I feel like a good person. I feel like I have alot going for me. I've got opportunities, I'm happy, I'm mostly happy with my course, I'm even trying to be a bit more outgoing and sociable, yet I feel like captain ugly. I can't complain about this to anyone anywhere since I'd just get laughed at.

It's just tiring to be rejected though. Girls are horrid. Flirting with a nice enough lady, all going well, but nah. Doesn't wanna know. I don't think it's something I do because we talk so much and she's the one who instigates it! Hell if I don't reply she'll double text! So it's not that I'm talking too much. She calls me lovely names, we have a laugh, I make her laugh, we meet up and it's nice but she doesn't wanna know in that way and for no reason. Not directly asked her but we had a conversation about sex (yeah.... most I've gotten in a long time) which revealed her booty-calls, the guy/s she really likes atm, how she likes her ex and doesn't find me attractive in the least. Great.

I'm tired of it. I feel like a bad, ugly, sad person. My friends rip the shit out of me and while it is entertaining for the most part when I'm on my own and in moods like this? I get it. I get why they take the piss out of the things I say. How gay I sound. How I sound cheesy, corny or gay 99% of the time. K's bf was right to rip the shit out of me more than the rest. Not only did he get my best friend, the person I admired and respected, but he took her away, locked her in the castle and now we don't see hide or hair of her. We haven't gone out for drinks in so long. The last time we did? He tried to steal her away, they told me to shut up and I left. She makes herself feel better by saying that she stayed for a whole hour after that, but she doesn't know I know what happened. M stormed off, she cried alone with a very distant friend and while X and Y, the two main reasons we went out, were left on their own. Especially since X was besties with K and now look. Nothing. That's what I'll be next year.

Friends have been dropping like flies. D doesn't bother anymore, I can't stand Kata (I can use that name, I think I have before) since she messed me around. Everytime we talk she misconstrudes every bloody thing I say! There's an argument, or a misunderstanding, it has become super awkward. And the only times I went drinking with her and Q she keeps fucking hitting on him, knowing we were super close and knowing he doesn't want to know, she does it anyways. I can't stand it. She's rubbing it in my face that she fucked me around and she's okay with it.

I have issues. I think they're resolved and I'm okay, then I hit lows and it all floods out. I've screamed at my laptop and my chair today. All my laptop did was load for too long. I don't want to turn into my dad, someone who just solves answers by getting angry, the silent treatment, yelling at people, but look at me! I'm yelling at a bloody laptop! Difference is is that I get upset. I seem to just get depressed and sad. Got I feel juvinile at the moment. Listen to it. "I don't get people, and I hate myself, and society doesn't accept me", I sound like a bloody 14 year old emo who nicked himself using daddy's shaver.

I'm just tired of being third rate. I need some affirmation. I'd love someone to love. But look at how that's gone this last year. There's been two considerations, one incredibly serious who messed me around, one not so much but straight flat-out no. And I have to hear about how she has a wonderful sex life whenever she wants it.

I'm tired. And I'm sad. And I have a 3000 word essay about shit I know nothing about due in monday. I'm going to sleep.

Mar. 7th, 2013

Prat ----.

Firstly after this I might figure out how many days since surgery again. Just for the giggles.

Secondly I'm a prat.

Why's that I hear you ask? Because I promised myself I'd finish my assignment but I haven't managed it yet
I'm running for VP Education at my uni and I'm scared as hell
I've reopened a door that I should have kept shut. And as corny as it sounds: The door straight to my heart and I was a prat tonight.

Lets go through it one at a time: I procastinate. I know that. But this deadline is in... a week? Two weeks? And I have one due in the week after that. And another due in after that. And guess what? ANOTHER due in after that! I also have a campaign do run in that time! So I'm angry that I've been working on this one assignment for a month and I can't sit down for even an hour and do some solid work without doing or watching something.

Secondly, VP Education. Full time job. Scary stuff. I mean, if I get it it'd be fantastic, it's a full time job and it's looking out for people. I want to do that. But I don't know if I'll win and being on a stage to find out I would loose? Not sounding fun. Not only that but our course was threatened to being cancelled. That's a long story but we saved it and people are still complaining.

Thirdly, Allie. That girl. I hate it but love it. We have such a long, complicated story that involves black holes, destruction, horrid parents, distance, romance, love, hate, arguments, breaking up, getting together again, friendships, illness... you know it.

But... I feel for her in such a way that I know I'll feel this way forever. And trust: we've spent 8 months apart not talking at all more than once and I still wind up like I do tonight.

We have a chat. We'll be mad. We're identical in that sense: We just do mad things. And tonight she did it.

"I know that look" she said. Smiling right at me through the computer screen. She's beautiful, did I mention that? If you saw me and you saw her you'd think how the frick I managed it. And she's sat there smiling, beaming even, with that cute grin of hers. Grin, completely and utterly. She'll do the grin when she thinks somethings amusing and will beam if it's happy funny. Or just laugh.

"What look?" I say, just thinking all the thoughts I just articulated to you at once, just staring at her through the screen.

"You are happy and missed me and just plain happy and in a good mood" but she's smiling. If we're trying to get over each other we don't talk about this. She's very good at shunning my affection, I'm useless at trying to get over her. I try and fail. But tonight that spark that doesn't give out has flicked and from that lighter a fire has started smouldering. She responds to some flirting. She blows a kiss. We do our old <3 shaped sign. She sits there and smiles and giggles and I'm her clown again. Like how it always was. Like how it should be. If it wasn't for my daftness and the distance the way it would have kept on being...

But we both messed up. And it doesn't work: Not as long as the distance is there. And it breaks me.

Tonight I had a weep. Because I know where this will lead. We have a quote from our book: The Notebook. I can't remember it entirely but it's all about we fight, we kiss, we make up and we do the whole charade again.

I'd give my heart to her. I don't like being weak towards people, I don't like showing affection. I get hurt easily, I don't trust easily and I certainly don't feel compassion towards women anymore: at least not to dedicate any kind of affection. But hey? God.

Love. And we'll flirt for a bit, we'll both be busy, we'll talk more and more, we'll either try again or won't, either way doomed to fail and we stop talking for a bit or have an argument because something sparks us off and we both get upset.

I can't let her go though. I don't want to, the thought petrifies me. Even when we don't talk I think about her fondly, everytime I work out (which isn't often) I tell myself it's not for me, it's so she could one day have a man to be proud of. When I manage to do work I think of it as a way to get to her. For years she was my motivation. My muse. I'm making this sound so unhealthy but... Listen to Tim Minchin's "Drowned". I know where I am, I may be insensible but I'm not blind. I know it's madness but I'm aware its madness and I gladly give myself up to it.

So I've answered myself through ranting. I know what might happen, but I know that when we're together it feels so right. One of these days we could make it work. I know I'll always feel this way, so I might as well try as many times as needed until we either completely die or succeed.

i feel better now. Off to work I go! No more romantic soppy music of our history, now towards assignments!

Dec. 29th, 2012

Bah Humbug :)

Merry christmas and happy new year in case I forget to blog again!

To be honest, home kills. I grate against my family something awful, we're just too different. I'll be gone soon, clinging to it though. I'm halfway through, just another week and a half and I'm a goner.

Nov. 29th, 2012

So, peoples pirorities do change.

Which is kinda distressing. Things change, people change, situations change, and I feel very off centered by it all. I find myself experiencing a mood I haven't felt in quite some time.

Sad.

Which is a depressing notion in itself. I'm not talking about "I've had a bad day" sad but "Shit weight's on your shoulders and the future looks pretty dark" sad. In one swift move I think a lot has changed. Given that friends are a bit shy right now, what with Dan being an antisocial bastard since coming back from the Wolf Run and, well, that's a rap.

I might go somewhere. Shame I don't have anywhere to go.

So. That was an argument.

Yes it was indeed. With a flatmate. Who isn't even a flatmate per ce.

Well did I mention my concerns about my friend? Started dating a guy, moved into his during the summer the day they started dating, is currently living around ours which could get us in serious trouble? Yeah, well I think he's a dick.

1. Don't yell at me in my home.

2. Don't tell me what I can/cannot do inside my home.

3. Don't tell me I'm wrong in my home.

Yeah. So that happened. And he thinks some apology that Kaytie pre wrote for him is going to change it? No. He gets into foul moods far too often and to snap at me during one of them? Yeah he's off my happy person list.

Now I'm agony uncling my ex about how bad her life is. I must have been horribly cruel to puppies in a previous life. If anyone gets that reference I'll be very happy.

Nov. 21st, 2012

(no subject)

The awkward moment when you realise the reason you've been struggling on an assignment for the last 3 weeks is because you got one word in the question wrong. The extremely caffinated version of myself that's capable of working until 25 to 4 realised this, and that restructuring my entire essay would make it so much better.

The other awkward moment where you find a house that's perfect for your needs but it's a 4 bedroom'er and not a 3.


The third awkward moment when you realise you've used the washing machine/drier to do 4 loads in 24 hours. You have to tumble dry shiz twice to get it dry. I have that much time on my hands/procrastinating.


Ohh isn't life full of awkward?

Nov. 15th, 2012

Attempting a short entry.

Bored. Hungry. Trying yet again to make my work vanquish by distracting myself with advertisments and wound my way here.

The Gaza Strip is sad. It's a never ending perpetuating loop of violence where one act of 'justice' or 'revenge' incurs another act of 'justice' or 'revenge' and the power of Israel over the whole situation is disgusting. It's quite sadenning. But alas, my essay is not on that.

I'm really hungry. I have bread at home as well as some meatballs/steak. Everything else needs to be defrosted to use, good old discounted meat. But alas, my essay is not on that.

Had an awkward three way conversation with a lady who messed me around and a friend who doesn't like her much because of it. But alas, my essay is not on that.

In all seriousness I really want to get involved with some volunteering! I figure for someone my age I've had a wealth of experience that I don't think many people can quite compare to. How many people do I know have been abused, homeless, diseased, depressed, slandered against to the extent that the ex did, had surgery and still giggling? Not many. I really want to help people that have gone through such experiences and need a hand! I want to look into that.

By alas... my essay is not on that. I can't even say "Go to hell Augustine" because he was actually sainted for writing the book he did, so he's an angel with the harp and wings right now. Damn it...

Nov. 14th, 2012

Procrastinating...

Yet again I'm in the library and utilising that to update myself.

But it's a grand way to get everything off the chest! And it's better to do that than try to work when I know I'll just be thinking of other things. What things am I thinking of? Not sure. I'm sure I'll think of a few.

20 days until my first assignment is due in. St. Augustine's philosophical ramblings about the nature between politics and religion. Actually I'm finding it quite interesting. I went into it thinking I'd disagree with everything he said because of my anti-religious stance, and walked out of it wishing more people thought like that! Can never presume you know everything, even yourself as events transpire!

Life has just been plodding along, had a fun night out on sunday, spent a bit too much money than I should have but that's fine, every now and again you have to spend some money to have fun, and it was such good fun. Really wanted to spend a night like that with good friends for so long! So it's totally worth the money and a dry-cleaning bill... whoops.

I'm trying to find people to live with again next year. Like, I want to mix and match things but then there's that and then there's actually having people to live with. Got a few friends and a few options, probably will go with Natasha since she knows about my condition now. That makes the people who know at uni go up to 4. Dan, Kata, Kaytie and Natasha. Quite surprised I've managed to keep it secret, I've always been useless with them! Well, not other peoples secrets but my own. However it's a bit different: There's "X who has had an affair with Y" kind of secret then there's the whole "homeless nearly died stoma bag" level of secret. Sliiiiightly different :D Although nowerdays I just laugh! The amount of dead jokes I laugh with Kaytie when no-one else in the room has the slightest idea about it... Ahh. "Pain in the arse" jokes never get old XD

Red Dwarf has ended. Was watching them on Dave. God I'm running out of things to watch, I'll have to find a new series soon! Red Dwarf has ended, Red VS Blue... Okay that's all I follow. Or at least things that begin with Red... Regardless I need to find something a bit more sociable to follow.

Friends birthday on Saturday. Flatmate so I'll have to get something. Odd thing is is that he wants a frying pan, which I know Kaytie already has covered. So I don't know what to get him: I'll have a look at BHS's christmas shop or failing that just get him a crate of beer.

Anyways I'm now just thinking that I need to read through my last year's essay on the Just War Theory and see if I can link that to this essay somehow and other work related things rather than procrastinating titbits to ramble about, so perhaps I should work. Will probably end up listening to music/youtube in a few minutes but I'm sure if I hand in a 2,500 word essay with just "It's the thought that counts" on the top that'll be a pass on sheer originality. Or not. Regardless toodles!

Nov. 10th, 2012

And yet again a long absense of blogging

And due to no fault of my own. There was a hurricane on the other side of the world. That's my excuse.

Could much more have happened in the last month? Of course. Actually it's been entertainingly mundane. It's been a, dare I say it, 'normal' life. Flat is going well, few teething issues with living with people but tbh it isn't really that stressful, it could be SO much worse! Uni work: I'm keeping ontop of that this year. Writing an assessment that I want finished by wednesday which is dew in little under a month so I'm not doing a mad fortnight of work later. It's going really well! My seminars are going fantastically, one of my tutors has noticed I'm doing much more reading this year which is great. All my modules are entertaining enough to bother with; we've just started our group assignment for the one that's a bit more basic than the others and we've chosen Australia as our country! Which is pretty sweet, that'll be interesting.

So... that's all work work work. And despite my constant procrastinations (hence this right now at this very moment) I'm doing well! I've started doing PAL (Peer Assisted Learning), which I may or may not have covered in my last report, but that took a little nosedive. I had to miss a session because I needed a delivery of stoma bags which couldn't be rebooked for a date after when I needed them (bad organisation on my behalf) then attendance went from the highest out of everyone to 0. Disaster. For some odd reason they all thought it was cancelled for a reading week despite having attended one which didn't have a reading week. Fools.

And in my attempt not to talk about work I... talked about work! Haha well aside from uni and PAL my life hasn't been much. With a flatmate getting a partner and him living with us her cash supply is absolutely 0. Which is a shame, my conception of this year I thought would be lots of going out and drinking and fun times but it just hasn't happened. But it has been fun, we made the one up board again and we do what flats do and it is entertaining. I've brought my guitar with me to uni and that proves to be fun, and yeah. I wanna go out and meet some more people but for now I'm content.

I really ought to get on with work so I'll make this a short one, adios!

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